RIKU! DON'T LICK THE AUTOMATIC LOCK!
by TwoHeadedSquirrel
Summary: When Riku is pursued by a desperate fan-girl and a german pastry, insanity ensues!
1. Attack of the FanGirl!

Riku sat on the edge of the wooden dock on the beach. He wordlessly stared at the sun as his friend, Sora, came to join him.  
  
"Hey, Riku." Sora ventured "A penny for your thoughts?"  
  
"Uh.I guess-" started Riku, before he was cut off by a loud  
  
"RIKU-CHAN!!!"  
  
"Uh oh.. Quick! Sora! GET ME OUTTA HERE!" yelled Riku, but, Sora, of course, recognizing it as a girl's voice responded.  
  
"Where? What muskrat?"  
  
"NOOOO NIMROD!!! GET ME OUTTA HERE BEFO-" the bishounen was cut off by a flash. Suddenly, he was being hugged tightly by a neko-hanyou*.  
  
"Aiyaaa! Riku-chan! I missed you!" she said, "huggling" him tighter. 'Help me!' Mouthed Riku, but Sora was too busy enjoying the moment.  
  
"So. Uh.Hi.uh." Sora began.  
  
"Minagi." Finished the girl, who was busy affixing a collar around Riku's neck.  
  
"Minagi. Uh, how do you know Riku?"  
  
"Potluck Dinner. At the "I WUV RIKU" convention." The blonde responded. Sora grumbled, wondering why there was no, "I WUV SORA" convention. "Alright, Riku-chan! Time to go!"  
  
"Mrggurgglyhahwha?"  
  
"What? Oh, you're gonna go meet Fluffy and Mori!" the neko-shoujo responded happily."  
  
"GARGH!BAHIGLYHA!" Riku shouted, pure terror eeking out of his blue optics. He knew only too well the fate of the dog-youkai who happened to be illiterate.  
  
"What? No, I do not have any- wait.noo.Midge ate those." Minagi said, replying to Riku's non-existent query, as she cast a frosty glare at the delicate pastry who once used to be a he/she/it/guy/ slave thing; who had appeared out of nowhere. "Well, anywho..let's go!" Minagi skipped happily away, a leash-bound Riku in tow.  
  
  
  
****AT MORI'S HOUSE****  
  
Minagi padded up to the door, her silver tail swishing happily from side to side. Riku had somehow gotten his tongue stuck to the automatic lock, and was moaning angrily until Midge freed him of his peril. The cherry flavoured strudel gave him a flirtatious look, which by all rights transcends the physics of the space-time continuum. Riku of course, being deeply disturbed, as would most anyone, save Gokou, ricocheted out of the car, and conveniently into Minagi's arms, just as Mori opened the door.  
  
"Awwww! They're just like a baby, aren't they?" she said, smiling wickedly at the bishie. Minagi nodded in agreement. "They sure are!" she said, glancing at Sesshou-maru, who was currently engaged in the act of trying to disembowel a dish towel. Riku squirmed frantically, trying to get away from the fan-girl who held him. "PLEASE!!! FLUFFY!! HELLLLPPPP M-" he was cut off by a puce- hued crayon being thrust into his mouth.  
  
"Sign." said Minagi simply, an evil light dancing within her cobalt occuli as she handed him a contract.  
  
"I-can't spell.." Said Riku, blushing furiously.  
  
"Oh, don't worry! That's why we have Fluffy!" Mori said, glancing at Sesshou-maru, who was trying to fit seven dish towels down his throat.  
  
"But, I thought he was illiterate.." But Riku's plea went unheard, as the fan-girls shoved the hyperactive youkai in front of him and walked off.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
BUM BUM BA!!!! WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO POOR RIKU!!! GRAMMER LESSON'S FROM SESSHOU! *rolls on floor and has convulsions* Well, anywho, review, and, uh, I'm planning on putting up a Christmas chapter, and, uhh.well.. Yeah. And all that good stuff. 


	2. The Magic of Hagen Daas

Riku and Sesshou-Maru sat in the shag carpeted living room of Mori's house. In front of them, was a box, labeled "Hooked on Phonics" of course, both of them being illiterate, thought that it said. "Ice Cream. Right here."  
  
"Hey, Fluffy-" began Riku  
  
"Don't call me that." grumbled the disgruntled youkai.  
  
"Hey Stinkoman-"  
  
"Did you just call me 'Stinkoman'?"  
  
"Why, yes, yes sir I did. Anywho, Fluffy, about that contract thingy that Minagi gave me, well, I need to learn how to sign it, and" Riku blushed "They said you knew how to write an-"  
  
"Feh. Don't believe any of that crap kid."  
  
"What? What crap?"  
  
"That crap that says I can write. Everybody knows that Fluffy-kun can't write for crap!"  
  
"Why are we saying 'crap' so much?"  
  
"Ummmm, because......uh.......guys just do."  
  
"I don't."  
  
"Then you're not a guy."  
  
"Look who's talking, Mr. OH I GOT LONG, LONG HAIR AND A FANCY WHITE BOA TO GO WITH IT! AND MY EYELIDS ARE CONVIENTLY TINTED PINK! OOOOHOOHOHOOOHOHO!"  
  
"IT'S CALLED A TAIL!!! TAIL!!! T-E-Q-2-I-y.....z....." said Fluffy, remembering he can't spell. Trying to change the subject from his femmy appearance,  
  
[This paragraph has been removed, because of an overly violent scene involving a very angry Sesshou-loving fan girl who hates people talking about her Fluffy like a girl, and a sledgehammer.]  
  
Fluffy pointed out the window a gruesome spectacle. "Oh......my.....gosh......Hey, Riku..........Uh..that He/She/It/Guy/ Slave thing is flirting with you." And sure enough, the he/she/it/guy/ slave thing WAS flirting with Riku, bulbous head pressed up 'gainst the window, contents of overlarge nostrils clearly visible. And unfortunately, it wasn't in the form of a strudel anymore.  
  
"Uh...uh......*Blargh*" The contents of Riku's stomach spilled out on the floor. His spleen floated around in the gooey mess, as a magic fig climbed up on Fluffy's head and started dancing.  
  
"AUGHHHHHHHH! GET THAT THING OFFA ME!!!!" said Sesshou, clawing ravenously at the shriveled fruit, which, with renewed efforts, began to do a tap number happily upon the youkai's head. "AUGHHH!!!" and with a cry of anguish, Sesshou-Maru fell down, mortally wounded. "Gettttt..........Mo- Mori..........need-"  
  
"DON'T WORRY FLUFFY! YOU DEATH SHALL NOT BE IN VAIN!" yelled Riku, cutting off the last words of the demon as he took of for the family room.  
  
"-need..........ice.........cream...." Sesshou-Maru managed gasp out. But by then, the devastated fan girls had procured a coffin. The motif of the cadaver container seemed to be "[A] Plays with squirrels", for numerous depictions of the furry little rodents adorned the casket. Mori broke down crying at the sight of the vanquished youkai.  
  
"FLUFFY-CHAN!!! YOU WERE LIKE A-uhh.......well.......I guess you were my servent, but........FLUFFY!!!!!" she yelled, moaning. It wasn't long before she started spontaneously combusting in the popcorn bowl.  
  
"Augh." Muttered Minagi. "Leave it to Fluffy to avoid teaching my Riku-chan 'bout phonics. Oh well......" Suddenly, she noticed that Fluffy's tail had lost it's shiny luster. "Ummm........Mori? Fluffy's uh, fuzzy thing is kinda losin' it's sh-"  
  
"Hey guys!" called Riku as he walked in from the kitchen, several empty chocolate ice-cream-tainted in his arms. His entire face was covered in Hagen Daas as he smiled blissfully. 'Whatcha doin'? Oh...........wait.........I know this............uhhhhh............I got it! Burying a body for the Mafia!"  
  
"No Riku. That was LAST week. Remember?" Minagi corrected.  
  
"Oh......" said Riku, shoveling another ice-cream laden spoon into his mouth. And there must've been some magic in those empty Hagen Daas containers, because suddenly, the youkai came to life!  
  
"FLUFFY THE YOUKAI!!! HAD A VERY FLUFFY TAIL!!!! IT WAS SOFT AND BIG AND IT LOOKED LIKE A FIG IF YOU ANGELED THE CAMERA JUST RIGHT! HIPPETY HOP HOP! HIPPETY HOP- oh. Wait. Ummmm.....THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!!!!!!! SOMEBODY CALL THE PLUMBER!!!! No- Riku, wait- DON'T LICK THE AUTOMATIC LOCK!!!!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
^_^ Okay! Fluffy get's his own song!!!! (which, by now, you probably have figured out was sung to the tune of 'Frosty the Snowman'.) Oh well, that's the end of chapter two, Please Read and Review!!!!!!!! 


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